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  • Dr. Laura Clark

R & R: Getting Real & Relational - Breaking Up With Shame

Updated: Sep 1, 2019

"Breaking up with shame does not mean we discount the pain or deny it. The break up is a decision to forbid shame to have power over you any longer so you can begin to live the abundant life." - Dr. Laura Clark


The Grip of Shame


Shame is one's of the enemy's tactics that can push our loved ones away, keep us running from God, or destroy our relationships. When we accept the lies of the enemy, we tell ourselves that our sin, addiction, or stronghold is too enormous for God or others to forgive. We embrace the belief that we are not valuable, cannot be free from a destructive habit, or that we are incapable of living without a long-term addiction. We prolong the cycle of shame by thinking and believing the lies that it is hopeless to find freedom or we are undeserving of forgiveness. While wrestling with unforgiveness, we reason or rationalize why the one staring right back at us in the mirror cannot be forgiven. As a result, the cycle of shame leads to crawling deeper and deeper into masked pain, while your loved ones close to you may not experience your true heart, find you drifting further and further away, and the real you becomes tightly hidden beneath the shame tucked away deep inside. Some may display the behavior of anger, pornography addiction, sexual addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction, anxiety, depression, domestic violence, or another struggle but underneath the surface of shame was once the heart of a child who yearned for the light of hope. Shame came, resided for years, and fostered the cycle of covering up more pain or secrets. We learned to become skilled at guarding and protecting the strongholds keeping us from truly experiencing peace and freedom. The precious child spent years suppressing the root cause or real feelings of insecurity, failure, rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, loneliness, or trauma, which later manifested as anger, alcoholism, drug addiction, lust, pornography or sexual addiction, depression, anxiety, or an all-consuming stronghold.


"Beneath the surface of shame was once the heart of a child who yearned for the light of hope."

We can become consumed with shame and meditate on our prior poor choices or the injustice that was unfairly brought upon us. When stuck in the past, our daily living is focused on avoiding, numbing, self-medicating, denying, blaming, excusing, running, escaping, lying, addicting, or distracting from the pain of an earlier trauma, mistake, hurt, or rejection that often occurred before adulthood. Then we attach negative labels to ourselves which can pierce our hearts and foster stuffing the deep and real emotions we long for just one safe person to notice. We become masters at thinking we are deceiving others by giving a warm smile and consistently telling others we are doing well but inwardly our heart yearns for a glimpse of freedom or a light of hope from the shame we desperately want to break up with but has become our normal day to day living.


We may know the truth spoken to us by a friend or family member that we are loved and forgiven or that God's Word states we are forgiven and free in Him (Ephesians 1:7; John 8:36). While endlessly attempting to replace our negative thoughts with affirming statements or the truths and promises of God's Word, the shaming labels and lies we believe attach to who we are and allow an opening for the enemy to speak ongoing lies. We become skilled at concealing our genuine emotions and our authentic heart condition manifests as distrustful, guarded, and never fully known by others. Feeling ashamed turns into pride and intentional commitment to not allow anyone to experience the actual condition of our hearts. We build a thick wall making certain no one will ever hurt us again. Underneath the true feelings or heart of a woman or man filled with shame revealed in an addiction, negative emotions, or stronghold is a precious child yearning for one's heart to heal, soften, and mend. Your brokenness, tears, and scars can be beautifully made whole.



Stepping in Faith and Breaking Up With Shame

Our feelings are not consistent and can fluctuate daily or even hourly. Yet, God is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) and He does not change. He is extending His wide open arms patiently waiting on us to take His hand and step in faith by completely surrendering the shame that has kept you from experiencing life's best, abundance, and your greater purpose. What addiction, secret, stronghold, or bondage are you willing to surrender completely that can encourage breaking up with shame? Breaking up with shame does not mean we discount the pain or deny it. The break up is a decision to forbid shame to have power over you any longer so you can begin to live the abundant life.

"You deserve a life free from shame and can leave a positive legacy that impacts future generations."

Empowering You 2 Breakthrough and Break Free, Live the Abundant Life, and get "Real & Relational". You deserve a life free from shame and can leave a positive legacy that impacts future generations. May you embrace the light of hope and walk in your life's calling. You are loved, victorious, adequate, and worthy. God sees your precious heart and really does love you.

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